


Two-Faced

by JustAnAnxiousMess



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Heavy Angst, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 05:40:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26846788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnAnxiousMess/pseuds/JustAnAnxiousMess
Summary: Trigger Warning: Self harm, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, lots of angst.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Self harm, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, lots of angst.

Isn't it funny how people can hide so much pain just by smiling?

You'd never guess that they were screaming at themselves in their own minds because of how convincing they were.

I've always been good at lying and deceiving people though. I guess that's what comes with being Deceit.

No one looks too deep into anything I do because why should they? It's just Deceit doing his usual thing with his normal smirk or grin.

Oh but if they only knew what goes on in my mind. The insults they throw in my direction have barely any effect because why would they? My mind comes up with things ten times worse than anything Roman can.

I'd finally been revealed to Thomas and his reaction just reinforced the way I saw myself. I did my usual trick of messing with him, lying about how he had no morality and of course things went south.

That's the way most things went for me. I tried to convert Virgil to the 'dark' as the others call it but that backfired and he hates me because he sees me as the reason the other traits took so long to accept him.

I admit maybe I was a little harsh on the kid but it was the only way I could release any of my own self doubts and hatred other than harming myself which is a whole other story.

I told him he'd never be accepted by the group and that they hated him, he was nothing more than a nuisance, they'd be better off without him.

I meant every word but not in regards to him. The whole time I said all that stuff I was referring to myself.

It was a few days after my reveal to Thomas that I reached the conclusion that I wanted to just disappear.

I was staring into my cracked bathroom mirror, taking in my hideous face and the words just tumbled out of my mouth. Four words that are probably the most honest thing I've ever said in my entire miserable existence.

"I want to die."

Knowing that didn't lessen my hatred but it provided slight clarity and it wasn't long before I wondered how to do it and when.

I decided I'd do it that night while everyone was asleep.

I went through the day as normally as possible, throwing random lies around, my usual smirk plastered across my face whenever I noticed anyone around.

It was around the time Thomas usually fell asleep when things began to go wrong.

I just wanted to sneak into the kitchen and grab something for a final meal when I heard someone clear their throat.

I turned around to see Patton with his arms crossed, his eyes locked onto my face with a small frown.

I quickly sent him a smirk. "Hi Morality."

Patton didn't react and it was almost as if he was looking through me so I broke eye contact and focused back on the cupboard I was raiding.

"You know it's rude to stare." I stated as I still felt his eyes on me. "Shouldn't you know that Mr. Dad guy."

"you've been acting differently today." is all he said and I froze before quickly brushing it off.

"Really? Should I be concerned that you apparently like to stare at me? Or should I be flattered?" I responded turning to face him with a grin and a wink while inside I was trying to remain calm.

He frowned at that and muttered "I may be morality but I'm also closely linked to emotions, meaning I am an expert when it comes to figuring out everyones emotions."

Mild panic shot through me at that but I grinned and shrugged "Is that supposed to mean anything to me?"

Patton stepped closer and I had to stop myself from backing away as he said "Usually I get the sense of anger and hatred coming from you but now it's different. It's less anger and hatred, more acceptance?"

It came out sounding like a question and despite my rapidly beating heart I let out a chuckle "Sounds like you're unsure and if you don't know we're all fucked."

"Language." Patton mumbled and I rolled my eyes, surely he was so used to Virgils language by now that he shouldn't be phased.

I started to slowly walk away hoping to just slip away but Patton wasn't done.

"Why do you feel so much hatred and anger most of the time?"

I laughed at his question, trying to ignore the panic inside as I thought of an answer. "Look around, I'm surrounded by you lot."

"That's a lie." Patton said and I shook my head.

"that's kind of my thing, hello? My name is Deceit?"

"You don't hate us or Thomas and your anger also isn't directed at anyone so what would cause you so much negative......." I waved my hand and his hand clamped over his mouth.

"Enough talking, I'm leaving, I'm not even hungry anymore." I sneered and strode off.

Patton obviously didn't take heed of my want to be alone because he followed, his hand still over his mouth.

"Piss off to bed or something." I hissed as I got to my door and saw he was still following me.

He didn't reply because he still couldn't but his eyes were locked onto me again, searching for something.

I turned to open my door but suddenly his hand grabbed my shoulder and he spun me round so I was looking at him.

His eyes locked with mine and seemed shocked by what he saw because they widened.

I shoved him away and slipped into my room, slamming the door behind me quickly before Patton got in.

He knocked frantically on my door trying to speak but all that came out was muffled babble.

After a while there was silence and I thought he'd given up but barely 5 minutes later the door was slammed into by something and the lock broke.

I jumped to my feet from where I'd been sitting on my bed and tried to block whoever was outside from seeing inside.

"Let go of Patton right now or face the consequences!" came the demand from Roman and I realised Patton had gotten the whole squad.

"I will, as long as you get the hell out! I don't randomly break down your doors." I growled.

Patton put a hand on Romans arm, presumably to tell him to calm down or something because the creative trait took a step away from me.

"You didn't have to go and get your little gang, you'd have regained your ability to speak when you woke up. Threats weren't actually necessary." I muttered to the silenced trait.

Patton eyed me for a second before glancing over my shoulder.

I immediately grew nervous and said "Get out and I'll let you go OK."

Patton looked at me for a few seconds and then stepped back so he was outside of the door with the rest of them.

I waved my hand, returning his ability to speak and turned to head back into my room when he said "That hatred and anger you constantly feel is just a way of masking your true feelings."

I glared at him. "I gave you your voice back but I can take it away again if you start spouting that shit at me."

"Back off Deceit!" Virgil growled and I sneered. "What's wrong Virgey? Trying to protect your little father figure?"

"You say that as if it's a bad thing." Virgil replied taking a step towards me.

"Oh no, not at all. It's just I thought that you were smart enough to realise when you're needed but I guess I overestimated you." I said, stepping towards him also.

"I'm always needed, unlike you!" Virgil shouted.

"That's funny I could have sworn you needed me when you were seen as nothing more than a disorder by the other traits! Who sat with you through your first panic attacks? Who taught you how to find your way round? Who did you come crawling back to when you wanted to leave? Oh that's right, me!" I shouted back, my entire body trembling.

Virgil stepped back in alarm, his mouth open in shock.

I took a few deep breaths, glaring round at the traits, daring them to say something.

I stormed back into my room slamming the door behind me, pissed that I could no longer lock it. 

I heard the other traits leave, presumably to gossip about me, and I let out a sigh. That hadn't gone to plan at all and I hadn't even gotten myself anything to eat.

There was no way I was going to go back out there so I decided I'd just not eat, it wasn't like I'd be around much longer anyway.

I walked over to my bathroom and grabbed the bottle of pills I'd managed to get. I'd simply slip off to sleep and never wake up, easy as that.

I didn't even hesitate to pour a handful of pills out and shove them in my mouth gulping them down with mouthfuls of water.

As soon as the entire bottle was empty I smiled in relief.

I heard knocking on my door and groaned in annoyance. I had no idea what they wanted now.

I threw the empty bottle in the bin and walked out of the bathroom to open my bedroom door.

Standing outside was Patton with a weird smile on his face.

"What do you want now?" I asked raising an eyebrow.

"We've all decided to have a movie night and you're invited."

"Yeah, thanks but no thanks, I just love being surrounded by people who hate me." I replied sarcastically and went to shut the door but he held it open.

"We don't hate you, Virgil supported the idea of me coming to ask you." Patton said giving me a pleading look.

I wanted to say no and just slowly slip unconscious forever in the solitude of my room but then he used those damn puppy dog eyes and I found myself being pulled down the hallway, barely even remembering agreeing.

As we walked into the lounge everyone fell silent and looked at me so I sent them all my best glare.

"Ugh, does he have to...." Roman started and was swiftly elbowed by Virgil.

I frowned at that. "Why was I invited?" I asked.

"Because Patton suggested it and I agreed." Virgil said looking at me with an almost regretful expression.

"OK, but why? You all hate me and I hate all you." I said looking around at them all, waiting for them to try and deny it.

"Just sit down and watch a movie or go back to your room." Logan said in a snappy sounding voice and I turned to leave but was grabbed by Patton.

"No, you're joining us." he said and gently pushed me towards the couch where there was a space next to Virgil.

I reluctantly sat down, trying to avoid touching Virgil because he'd probably pick up on my anxious feelings.

The film started and I rolled my eyes as I realised it was Disney. Of course it was, Roman was completely obsessed.

It was just my luck that it was Jungle Book too. I knew the second the first scene started what was going to happen.

Sure enough when it got to the part of the film where Kaa the snake is introduced Roman spoke up.

"I didn't know you were in a Disney movie Deceit."

I scowled over at him and muttered "In the book by Rudyard Kipling Kaa was one of Mowglis mentors so suck on that King Louis."

Romans jaw dropped at that and I smirked, turning back to the film.

"Deceit is actually correct with that fact." Logan said sounding just as surprised and I rolled my eyes.

As the film drew to a close I felt my stomach churning painfully from the pills.

I managed to pass it off with a mask of indifference as the next film started and I idly wondered just how long it would take for the pills to kill me.

The second film went by quite quickly and the pain began to increase and my vision began to get a little hazy.

"Deceit? Are you OK?" Virgil asked and I quickly snapped "Oh yes definitely when I'm surrounded by a bunch of people who hate me."

He backed off and I grit my teeth to try and hold back a whimper of pain.

I could feel my muscles relaxing and one of my fingers was twitching uncontrollably so I put my hand out of sight of the others.

The third film was half way through when my eye lids began to get heavy and my vision kept blurring in and out of focus.

I could feel my blood pounding around my body and an agonising pain shot through my stomach which nearly made me scream but I bit my tongue to keep it in.

It was just as the fourth film came on that my eyelids slid shut and I slumped sideways.

Although my eyelids were shut I could still somehow hear.

"I think he's fallen asleep." I heard someone mumble.

"Well don't wake him, he might bite us if we do." there was no mistaking Romans voice.

"Should we leave him here or try and get him back to his room?"

I bit down on my tongue as more pain shot through me and my mouth suddenly became very wet.

It took me a few seconds to realise I'd bitten down so hard I'd made myself bleed but there was nothing I could do as my entire body had pretty much shut down.

I felt myself losing consciousness just as the blood in my mouth began to trickle down my chin and I hoped it would pass unnoticed until it was too late.

I thought I heard someone say my name but then I lost consciousness and knew no more.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: mentions of suicide, self harm, blood, panic attacks, angst

I looked over at Deceit and mumbled "I think he's fallen asleep."

"Well don't wake him, he might bite us if we do." Roman commented from beside me and I shook my head.

"Should we leave him here or try and get him back to his room?" Patton asked and I shrugged.

I turned to Deceit and decided to wake up him up so he could go to his room if he was tired. "Deceit?" I asked and nudged him.

He didn't respond and I narrowed my eyes. He was usually a light sleeper, unless he'd changed so much since we were on good terms that his sleeping situation was different.

I leant over and tapped him and still got no response.

"Deceit! Wake up!" Roman shouted and I jumped in surprise.

"What the hell Roman?" I asked in annoyance and turned to see if Deceit was glaring at him only to find he hadn't woken up.

"Uh guys, not to live up to my name of anxiety or anything but somethings not right here. Deceit used to be a really light sleeper." I said, worried now.

Patton stood up and walked over, having extracted himself from Logan who looked annoyed at having their cuddle interrupted.

"Deceit?" Patton said and gently pushed the snake faced trait and got no response.

I pulled Deceit towards me and his head flopped to the side limply so the non scaled half of his face was now visible.

"Holy shit is that blood?" I exclaimed as I noticed the red trailing down from the corner of Deceits mouth.

Patton gasped and shook Deceit which did nothing but make his head flop uselessly.

Logan quickly went into analysis mode and said "Someone lay him on his side so he doesn't choke on his own blood, I need a little more time to figure out what's happened."

We did as Logan said and backed away as he began to search for the source of the blood.

"He seems to have bitten his tongue but the only possible explanations for that would be something akin to unbearable pain which he was attempting to hide. Obviously whatever caused him to bite his tongue hard enough for it to bleed like this, is also the same thing rendering him unconscious."

Logan pressed his fingers to Deceits neck and his eyes widened, causing me to ask "What is it?"

"His pulse is still there but it's slow and sluggish, not a good sign. My best guess is that he's ingested something he shouldn't have. That would explain the unconsciousness, the presumable pain that caused him to bite through his tongue and his dangerously slow heartbeat."

"He was in the kitchen looking for something to eat when I encountered him earlier, he seemed a bit off and he's been acting slightly differently today." Patton said with his eyes locked onto Deceits still form.

I frowned and tried to recall anything I noticed that could help Logan figure out what was going on.

"As the third film began his eyes looked slightly glazed over and I thought he looked a bit out of it but then he snapped at me." I said, unsure exactly how that could help.

"Patton, go to Deceits room and see if whatever he ingested is in there, Roman go to my room and grab the medical bag from under the desk and Virgil you can help me keep an eye on Deceits pulse." Logan ordered.

The other two ran from the room as I knelt next to the couch where Deceit was and put my fingers against his neck to check his pulse.

There was a slow feeble beat and before I knew it there were tears rolling down my face. I'd hated Deceit for years because of how much he'd messed with my mind and told me the others hated me but, as Deceit himself had pointed out, he was the only person I used to be able to go to.

He was there for me when I had my panic attacks, he explained how things worked in the mindspace when no one else would and he was right when he said I went crawling back to him.

When I decided to duck out I'd gone to Deceit, telling him how he'd been right about the others not accepting me and he'd sighed and given me a hug, telling me that he did try to warn me.

If it hadn't been for the others tripping the alarm I'd set up just in case someone was in my room, I wouldn't have noticed they were in my room. I would have just spent the day with Deceit.

I frowned as I suddenly remembered something. That day when I'd gone to Deceit, I'd found him in the inactive part of Thomas's mind, hence why I stopped effecting Thomas.

The thing was I had no idea why Deceit was in there at the time. He'd seemed tired or something and I was sure I remembered him wincing when I hugged him.

I was drawn out of my thoughts by the sound of feet running into the room.

"He.... He....." Patton panted, waving something around in his hand as he tried to speak.

Logan got to his feet and took the object from Patton with a small frown.

It was as Roman came in that I put everything together and exclaimed "He did it on purpose."

Logan wasted no time in grabbed the medical bag from Roman and grabbing things I had no name for.

I barely paid attention to what he was doing as I struggled to understand why Deceit would do this. He always seemed so unaffected by everything, from Romans insults to when he used to hiss abuse at me.

"If you're squeamish look away." Logan said as he began feeding a strange looking tube thing down Deceits throat. "I'm trying to get the medication out of his system by pumping his stomach, it is not a guaranteed solution as it's usually preferable if this procedure is done within the first 4 hours of a person ingesting something but it's the only option we have."

I got to my feet and turned away, unable to watch what was going on.

A pair of arms wrapped around me, pulling me into someone's chest but for once I didn't resist, instead I slumped into them and sobbed.

A hand was rubbing my back and a quiet voice whispered "It's alright, Logan will save him. Everything's OK."

Roman was trying to make me feel better but I knew everything was far from OK. I didn't say that though, I just continued to sob into his chest.

After a while Logan let out a sigh and I pulled away from Roman to see why.

"I've done all I can, all we can do is wait for him to wake up and see if it's caused any lasting damage."

"How long will it take for him to wake up?" I asked and Logan sent me a sad smile.

"Anywhere between an hour from now or even days. That is if he wakes up at all. There's always the chance I was too late and... We'll just have to see what happens."

Patton, who'd been incredibly quiet the whole time, let out a small sob and whispered "This is my fault. If I'd just picked up on his feelings better I could have stopped this."

Logan pulled Patton in for a hug, trying to comfort him but Patton continued. "I could have done something today, I knew something had changed yet I told myself it was probably not too important. I only ended up talking to him because I couldn't sleep without knowing what had changed. What would have happened if I hadn't?"

I shuddered at that thought, tears running down my face as I looked at Deceits unconscious form. All those times he used to tell me I was unwanted, unloved by the others, it was all just a big front to hide the fact that's how he felt about himself.

I felt helpless knowing I couldn't do anything but wait. I took a deep breath and said "I'll sit with him while you guys sleep, just in case."

"Virgil you need to sleep too." Roman immediately protested and before I could argue back Logan spoke up.

"We'll take it in turns for however many nights it takes for him to either wake up or...." Logan quickly cleared his throat and continued "Virgil can do it tonight if he so wishes."

Roman sighed "Fine, but you have to sleep tomorrow night."

I nodded and sat on the floor next to the couch where Deceit still lay. Logan escorted Patton out, whispering words of what I assumed to be comfort and reassurance.

Roman hovered slightly for a few seconds then shook his head with another sigh and walked out, leaving me all alone with the unconscious form of Deceit.


End file.
